“Please Daddy, just you, right now.” I pleaded, only thinking about getting rid of Mum. I was afraid she would look at me and know what I’d done.

“What did you do wrong? Tell me, this very minute!” Mum demanded standing in the doorway.

Daddy sighed and looked toward her. “Let me talk to him.”

She muttered in Mandarin and retreated. She had said that she hated me and that I was a pest. Some phrases were said often enough that I knew what they meant. No doubt, she knew that too, but rationalized that she could get away with it.

I sat on my bed in defeat. My mother said she hated me and Daddy let her disrespect me.

“What is wrong?” Daddy asked matter-of-factly, as if the problem of my being alive could be fixed by one question. He stood there towering over me. When I was younger, he smiled more. At some point, it seemed like some of the life had drained out of him. He often wore a blank expression which made it hard to tell what he was thinking or feeling. I wanted the father I’d had when I was younger, the one that understood me, the one that was interested in my life.

There was no way I was telling him the truth. “I, I, there’s just too much to do! Schoolwork, my job, my violin, all the chores.” I blurted out on the fly.

“Your YouTube channel.”

I heard the distaste in his tone so I said nothing. Neither of them approved of my YouTube channel, regardless that it was a wholesome music channel.

I just looked at the floor, and I noticed that I was still wearing my sandals. That was a big no-no in Asian homes like ours. I’d be yelled at for that soon.

“Son, all Asian families ask a lot from their children. It helps them learn responsibility so they can grow up to be responsible adults. You only have one more year at the University. Keep working on improving your violin technique and you will be able to get a job in an orchestra. You’ll make us proud. Forget about YouTube for a while.”

“Tian tricked me! We’re not friends anymore! He was my best friend!” I found my mouth shouting. I hadn’t meant to bring up Tian in conversation. Would my mouth betray me and confess what we’d done? I had to shut up.

“You have other friends.”

“But he was my best friend! Oh my God, Daddy! I’m so unhappy!” I blurted out. I stood up and threw my arms around him. I hated that I needed his warmth, a kind word, something. When I was younger, he used to sit me on his lap and we’d watch tv together. He used to talk to me. He used to be sympathetic. He used to stick up for me. How I longed for that again. It seemed like it had all changed when I was in high school. What had I done to turn him away from me? I’d always been a good kid with excellent grades, and I had never caused trouble.

He put his arms around me, but I thought it took a second too long for him to do so. It made me feel unloved and unwanted. It had been so long since he or anyone else had hugged me besides Tian and Paul. How had I become so unlovable? I did everything they asked.

I gripped him tighter. “Why don’t, why don’t you and Mum love me anymore? I’m not bad. I promise, I’m not bad.”

“We do love you, Son. You’re just older now. And I know you’re not bad. You’re very obedient. Pretty soon you’ll be graduating college, meeting a nice Asian girl, and having a family of your own. When you become a parent, you’ll understand. And things will look brighter tomorrow.”

I loosened my grip and moved back a step, wiping the tears from my face. Daddy said a few more grown-up things to me that weren’t sentimental or loving. He had said that I shouldn’t cry so much. “Will you go to the store for your mother?” He asked a moment later. Going to the store had meant more to him than making me feel loved and understood.

I looked at my phone after my tears had stopped and my parents had finally left me alone. Tian had left me a voicemail, crying and apologizing for what had happened. He wanted me to forgive him and to continue being his friend.